Warning: The following post refers to what some would consider spiritual mumbo jumbo. 🙂 If you are not one to entertain these ideas, discontinue reading.
So, I wrote previously about reading a book by the Long Island Medium in the first days after Luke passed away. It had a lot of good information in it around loss and suicide. Obviously Teresa spoke to the help and comfort a medium can bring when you are missing a loved one, but she did recommend not going to a medium till at least three months had passed. With this as my guideline I had booked an appointment with Heather Lee at BeAwakened on the exact day Luke would have been gone three months and eagerly counted down the days. I was expecting a new Luke, Buddha Luke I called him, to show up and tell me how much he loved us, how sorry he was, and to impart some words of wisdom from his new surroundings. Cue the game show sound effect for losing – wah wah – because that is not at all what happened.
BeAwakened had been recommended to me by a co-worker who had found a lot of peace seeing Heather after a loss in her life. I will forever owe a debt of gratitude to Gail for putting this woman in my world. Thank you, Gail! John and I went together. Now this isn’t typically a John Inwood kind of thing, but when you lose a child it makes you desperate for connection and for answers so there he was holding my hand waiting for Heather to finish up with a client. We could hear them laughing upstairs which definitely wasn’t something we predicted would happen at a visit to a dead loved one. The group came down, someone from Rutland, of course, and we exchanged pleasantries. Heather, herself, was not what I expected. Say *medium* and I imagine something gypsy-like with the appropriate jewelry and long skirts. Heather was, well, she was normal. lol She looked like any mom you might meet. And she is a mom. I had two of her children as the school librarian and being from Rutland, well, she already knew some of my story. And that is where we started.
Heather talked a little about what to expect and then we got into it. We didn’t have to tell her what happened – she knew. Interestingly, at first Luke didn’t want to communicate and then he sort of fibbed about the car accident. Yep, you read that right! He tried to sugarcoat how he passed away for Heather lol which is mind-blowing to me. So much for imparting wisdom. We talked with Heather about the circumstances around Luke’s passing and she was able to channel some of what Luke had been feeling. She swore. A lot. lol He was angry and carrying some resentment and agitated that we thought we had anything to do with his decision. Darn parents. Turns out who you are on the Planet Earth is who you really are – that personality stays with you. So it was no Buddha Luke. It was the same seventeen year old who had spent every day arguing with me for the past few years. It was almost like we were in a therapy session and he was sitting on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance. Oh, it was definitely Luke.
One of the things Luke described was experiencing tenfold all the sadness and disappointment and anger that everyone was feeling toward him. He talked about how painful it was and how sorry he was to make people feel this way and how he just wished everyone would move on. Now the momma in me had two reactions upon hearing this. The first one was the whole sentiment of “Well, I’m sorry you don’t want to feel this way son, but you DID create this situation.” As much as I had tried to remain positive the first three months I knew there were lots of people who were watching us and their own children suffer through this loss and the fact that Luke had taken his own life added to the anger for many folks. This seemed a fitting consequence all things considered. But then this other thought process popped up. I didn’t want my boy to be sad on the other side. What the heck kind of heaven is that? I became heartbroken thinking of my boy trying to navigate this new place and suffering through this all alone. So, I made it my mission to tell anyone I thought might believe in an afterworld to send positive, loving thoughts to Luke. In my mind, it was the one last way I could be a mother to my boy. It helped my heart to have his well-being to focus on once more. You know what they say – the more things change, the more they stay the same. Helping Luke was my happy place.
So here’s what I need you to know: If today is your Day One, I want to say I think three months is too soon to see a medium. Strictly my humble opinion. Turns out a soul needs time to navigate and reacquaint itself with wherever they might be. You also need to know that sometimes, if it is too soon, your loved one won’t communicate and that would be a painful experience to have. And your loved one is still your loved one, pain in the ass or sweetheart, whatever they were. No one magically becomes enlightened. The most important thing I want you to know is it HELPED. I didn’t feel the way I expected I would leaving Heather’s, but I did feel hopeful. It made me believe the connection between my son and I still existed and continued across the stars even when I couldn’t see it or touch it. And that my friends, you can’t put a price on. Xxx